I believe that religion and spirituality can exist together. My faith is a proclamation that I am worth a relationship with God. Altho I am Anglican, I believe in any religion according to that culture. It is more that Christ is the manifestation of God in my culture. Just because I was born into European stock parents, I was exposed to Christianity. Education expanded my faith greatly. I studied New Testament and Jesus in historical religion courses at Columbia taught by Elaine Pagels, the Gnostic expert. We had to read the Bible as any other source material, in cohesive books, rather than one verse, one verse there, Chinese menu style. It opened my eyes to extraorinary beauty and forever convinced me the Witnesses knowingly lie. When I read the Bible for the first time in this manner, I kept calling home to announce to my family that the Society just plain got the Bible wrong. Of course, doctrinal issues such as the Trinity were unclear. On a host of basic objective facts the Witnesses were wrong. It was important to me that it was a neutral, academic setting. In fact, our Jesus seminar started with Pagels saying Carl Jung wrote that we project our feelings onto Christ and told us to quickly write down three adjectives for Jesus. Everyone in the seminar had taken New Testament. It was telling that I wrote Witness lingo. The only ones who interpreted Jesus as He is portrayed in the Gospels were two Orthodox Jewish males taking the course to enhance medical school admissions.
With this experience under my belt, I started studying on my own. Naturally, I selected "hot" Witness books. Altho I had left the Witnesses at thirteen, I started with a 1,000 page tome on Revelation, which is a beautiful book. Revelation with the Witnesses put utter terror in me as a child. The illustrations in that orange book for children were over the top. I just read and read. The more I read, the freer I became.
My decision to adopt these scriptures as my personal statement was an act of will. Pagels explained the son of man and son of God concepts. She pointed out that almost every king and notable was a son of God but son of man was the messianic figure. With the proclamation that nowhere were there ever daughters of God, I said to myself, "F..... you.!" Many extraordinary women were in the seminar. Since Pagels was a female role model, we used to linger after he men left and discussed female sexuality and God. After learning more cultural history and majoring in political science, I tried to carve out a system of belief among the doubts.
One day I had to go up to Columbia after graduation. The subway was down so I walked another way to the next stop. I passed this immense structure that was interesting, The Cathedral Church of St. John the Divine, the world's largest cathedral. The Anglican cathedral had a placard up for that Sunday's service. Cesar Chavez, the farmworkers union leader, and Geraldo Rivera, only a local NY reporter where he should have stayed, were preaching. I admired Chavez and Gandhi immensely. It moved me so much I drove in from NJ on Sunday. The cathedral had extraordinary beauty. It also had this urban funkiness and utter sophisitcation and elegance. Artists worked in crypts beneath the Cathedral. Rock and classical musicians gave concerts. There was a litigurical dance company. A very good professional choir. This was not the Kingdom Hall. It had the traditions of Roman Catholicism with modern Protestant and Anglican theology. It is very ecumenical. Shinto priests came regularly to show their respect. Temple Emanuel-El donated fine pieces of art. It was a class act. The priests wore jeans and sandals under their robes.
I craved this. My mind was so messed up I met with a priest who told me that questions were good. He had many of the same questions I did. He said the church (universal) was a community of people asking the same questions as a group. Whenever I went for clarification about some position that the Witnesses took, the priests refused to give me neat formulations. The message was emphatic. Other religions and atheists are respected aboslutely. Their truth is valid for them. Also, I did not have to do anything to merit God's love. This culture was the culture I already adopted.
Later, while I was practicing on Wall St., my life soarded downwards when facial neuralgia was triggered by a routine dental visit. The suicide rate is greater than 98%. Doctors consider it worse than terminal cancer pain. I suffered constantly and became completely dependent on my mom. Doctors were utterly shocked and perhaps disappointed that I did not exit. I wanted to do so but just could not. Without my mom's extraordinary care, I would have died despite my will. I needed structure while she worked so I made the long commute to the cathedral to volunteer. The community embraced me. People gave of their time so generously. I would not be alive if I did not see that placard. The hilarious thing is I was seduced by the liberal political agenda of the place. Many worked in the civil rights movement. My pain made me needed old time religion more. And I found it. Looking back, I wonder why the subway was down.
I have tons of questions and doubts. It is still a journey. I tend to view my illness as punitive from God for worldly success. Not that I believe it literally or intellectually. The JW indoctrination still trips me up despite my best efforts. With my temperament, that certain faith that can be smug will never arrive. Also, I believe living in NY and knowing Jewish, Hindus and Buddhists really well as close friends made the casualties of Armageddon very concrete. We never truly fit with the Witnesses. The people I most loved were going to perish by God. No matter how I conformed with the Witnesses, I had doubts even as a young child. I never felt I would survive Armageddon. And what do you get if you survive, burying bodies for centuries on end. My faith is personal. Friends are thrown off by my doubts and persistent faith. I found both can co-exist. It is possible to pick and choose. In the end, I don't believe faith is doctrinal formulation or knowing the Church Fathers well. I believe faith is how we order our lives. My daily choices should reflect my faith.
Part of me longs for the Witness certainty. It is only a small part of me.
